The Relationship Dance
If you are stepping all over each other’s feet, you need to change your moves.
Lo, everyone!
When I was getting my Master’s in Family Counselling, my professor told the class that the quickest way to help a person is to improve their intimate relationship. This stuck with me. Intimate relationships are important to us. When they’re working well, there is a positive ripple effect within ourselves, families, friendships, and work. When they’re not working well, there is a negative ripple effect throughout our lives.
HOLIDAY STRUGGLE
November is a common time of year when people who are unhappy in their relationships often consider leaving their partners. The approaching holiday season can spark this thought. It’s not about the holidays per se—it’s about how people feel during this time of year. Some people struggle with pretending to be happy during the holiday season when everyone else seems to be happy. Because they are so unhappy, it makes it difficult to go through another holiday celebration. However, if they have children, they want their children to have a good holiday season, so they will postpone leaving until after the holiday (see article below that talks about what happens when people are conflicted in their relationships).
THE PENDULUM SWING
In the article above, I talk about the pendulum swing. When people start to think about leaving their relationship, they feel the sensations of pain, deep sadness, and fear. It is these painful sensations that make it difficult for a person to leave. They ease the painful sensations by telling themselves that the relationship is not so bad and think, “I’ll just stay”. If they stay in the relationship without making any changes, the sensations of staying get so painful that they need to take action, which creates the painful sensations again. So they go back and forth and back and forth.
Very few relationships are all bad. When you give up the bad parts of a relationship, you also have to give up those parts that were good (comfort, familiarity, safety, etc.) And if they are all bad, it’s a matter of how and when they can leave. Sometimes it’s dangerous to leave a relationship, which is a whole other issue.
DANCE STEPS
When clients come to me about considering leaving their relationship, I tell them it is hard to find someone you can get along with, considering all the many ways one needs to get along with each other over time. I encourage them to try one more time to make it work. I coach them on ways they can change. If the changes work, it will be worth it! If your partner reacts to your changes, but the relationship gets worse, you can move forward, knowing that you gave it your best shot, and it still didn’t work.
Most people believe that both partners need to attend couples counselling for it to be effective. It’s helpful when the couple is on the same page about wanting to make a difference in their relationship. However, it’s not necessary to have both people attending sessions. I’ve worked with many individuals on their relationships and witnessed positive change without ever having met their partner.
I use the metaphor of dancing together to explain relationships. In a relationship, partners take the steps needed to make it work. If you are stepping all over each other’s feet, you need to change your moves. When you change what you are doing, your partner will respond to your change with changes of their own. They will shift their footwork so you can be in sync with each other, create a dance and a life together that works for both of you.
Now the holiday season is approaching again. If you are seriously considering that you cannot stay in your current relationship, I encourage you to seek out a couples therapist, and try one more time to make changes that you need to make before you end a relationship that may have potential to last a lifetime.
Check out my free Relationship Quiz at decisionquiz.com to help sort out how you feel about your current relationship.
UPCOMING SUBSTACK MANUSCRIPT
I have found that simple communication skills can make a huge difference in relationships, and I am excited to share my latest manuscript with you soon! In my online book, I explain how to strengthen relationships using effective communication skills. I share stories and exercises you can experiment with to make changes in your relationship for the better. Stay tuned!
Have a great holiday!
—Dr. Bea
This article provides insightful perspectives on the challenges of leaving a relationship and the emotional pendulum swing involved. It highlights the importance of recognizing both the good and bad aspects of a relationship and the potential risks of leaving. The metaphor of dancing together effectively illustrates how changes in one partner can lead to positive shifts in the relationship. As the holiday season approaches, it’s a thoughtful reminder to consider seeking couples therapy and giving the relationship another chance before making a final decision.